Every Time I Go Out

October 6

I've made some good friends here. Whether I stay or not, these are my friends. I need not stay here now. I can't stay forever anyway.

I talked to B about the Peace Corps today. He says I won't become a professional scientist. He says people go to third world countries and fill a few bellies and scrub a few people up so that they can have more babies. Great. Maybe I'll do good but I'll never know until I try. I don't want to change anyone's culture. Will my presence do that? I change the culture of the people around me here. Is that wrong?

October 26

I was rereading parts of this journal. I have my Peace Corps goal on my mind and it seems to wash away all other thoughts. I feel really good about my decision. I hope I can get in.

January 30, 1981

I haven't felt like myself. Part of it was T's fault but I think he just gave me the push over the edge. After hitting the ground, it has taken me a few days to climb up, and I've climbed a different mountain than the one I fell off. But at least I feel like I'm climbing. What helped immensely was the call I just got form P. I know, after talking to him that I'm still a human being. I was beginning to doubt it. My funny state of mind could come from the fact that I don't seem to have a clear path ahead of me. Once Peace Corps contacts me I should straighten up.

[I finally received a phone call from Peace Corps asking me if I would like to go to Togo.  I could only ask, "Where's that?"  

"In West Africa.  It's a French-speaking country near Ghana and Nigeria.  I've been there.  You'll love it."

"But I don't speak French very well," I said.  "I speak German."  

"The Peace Corps will train you.  You'll have a great time there.  The women are beautiful."

I had no reason to reject the offer, since I had little knowledge of any developing country].

Click here to see the Peace Corps description of my job assignment in Togo.

February 14

[With a Peace Corps tour likely, it seemed like whenever I left home, I got farther away.  First I went to New York, then I went to Michigan, soon I would go to Togo.  Where would it end?]

Every Time I Go Out

On Monday I went out on the lawn, but I thought I was on the moon

And the day and the night were the black and the white on the moon

On Tuesday I went out on the street, but I could imagine the sweet winds of Mars

There were maidens in green, the tallest mountains I've ever seen on Mars

And on Wednesday I went down to the store, but I just looked up to the door

And I was on Ganymede

There was ice and snow too, made of CO2 on Ganymede

And every time I go out, I go out

And each time it's harder to come back

It's harder to come back

Yes, every time I go out, I go out

And it's harder to come back

And on Thursday I went in to town, but I found I was walking the ground of Titan, Titan

There were statues crying tears for the last million years on Titan, Titan

And on Friday I went out to play and something swept me away and I was on Oberon

Away so far that the sun looked like a star on Oberon

And every time I go out, I go out

And each time it's harder to come back

It's harder to come back

Yes, every time I go out, I go out

And it's harder to come back

And on Saturday I went down to the sea wishing so hard to be free that I was on Neptune

Where a year is so long that it's said that a one year old would be dead on Neptune

And on Sunday I went for a ride, and I just looked up to the sky and I was on Pluto, oh no

And it was so cold that I thought I'd grown old on Pluto, oh no

'Cause every time I go out, I go out

And each time it's harder to come back

It's harder to come back

Yes, every time I go out, I go out

And it's harder to come back

Now it's Monday again

Should I go out or stay?

I don't know, I don't know

'Cause every time I go out, I go out

And each time it's harder to come back

It's harder to come back

Yes, every time I go out

And it's harder to come back, come back ...

March 14

Why am I going to Africa? It is not to learn French. I can do that here (or in France). It is not to go on safari. It is not to make money. Fortune and fame? No. To see the world? Ah, that's part of it. To do something exotic. And why not? What else is there to do? Lots of things. This is one of the things I can do with my background. In exactly three months I start training!

April 18

School's coming to an end. Togo is still exciting and getting more exciting. I have few doubts about leaving here. I usually have so many doubts. What of my friends here? Why are they not real close? Is it because they are chem grad students? Perhaps. But I haven't tried hard to really get to know anyone.


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Copyright 2000 Bill Crozier